I haven't mentioned much about him, since I didn't want to really jinx anything, but Jennifer's uncle, Jerry, had lung cancer for the last 6-8 months or so. Jerry had been fighting the cancer over that time, taking chemotherapy treatments over that time, until his body just basically gave out. Over the last two months, the doctors have been trying to clear out fluid that has been building up around his heart and in his lungs so they could continue to give him treatments, however, they were unable to keep the fluid out for any decent length of time. We slowly watched the cancer overtake Jerry, making him thin, taking away his appetite and energy, and finally, him.. I have to say that I will miss Jerry dearly. He was a good man and I believe that he was taken too young. Jerry and his wife were both instrumental in my recovery, as they were always there for both myself, and Jennifer as we toiled through my recovery. I find it ironically unfair that one of the people who was there for me was taken by the very thing that he helped me recover from. I know that the family will all miss Jerry for their own specific reasons, some common, and some uncommon. Personally, I will miss Jerry because he was someone who would have given you the shirt off his back to help out. He was also someone who I had a good deal in common with, aside from cancer. We both liked baseball quite a bit, and even though we both rooted for different teams, it never took away from the experience of just sitting down in the living room and watching a good game on a summer afternoon. All in all, he was a good man. I have never been much of a fan of goodbyes, even in this case. So no goodbyes, Jerry, just good journeys. All of us here will continue to love you and as long as you're in our hearts, you are not gone, just on your own adventure that we will join you on some day. Until that day comes, take care, dear friend, and thanks for the memories.

So there is 3 weeks left to go until my final quarterly checkup.. I have to say that I am anxious yet excited about the prospect. It will be great to have all of this over and done with. I can get to a point where I only freak out every 6 months rather than every 3. :)

 

On a sadder note, Jennifer's uncle has been given 8-12 months to live after going through nearly 6 months of treatment for lung cancer. I seriously feel bad about this whole thing. Jerry and his wife both watched me go through what I went through and supported my fight and at this point, I feel that it should be me with this, not Jerry. I just hope that he can prove the doctors wrong and beat this thing.

 

I guess that I am going to kinda wander around with this, cuz now I am going to talk about Ryan. That little boy amazes me. He gets bigger by the minute and if you were to tell me even a week ago that he would be the size that he is now, I would say that you were wrong. He's a really good baby too. He doesn't do much fussing except when his teeth coming through starts hurting him, and he is always good for a few smiles and giggles. I will truly miss it when this time comes to an end. Right now, I am looking at a picture of him laying on my chest when he was a few weeks old. I am just amazed at how little he really was. If he layed like that right now, I would probably be getting headbutted from all sides.

 

I suppose that I should get myself back to work, so until next time..

Well, it has been a few weeks into my dieting and while I have had an occasional cheat or two, things seem to be going forward. My pants fit for the first time in about 12 months or so. I guess that the real proof is going to come when I go for my next exam next month. I have to say that I am really getting anxious this time around. I am getting so close to "out of the woods" and I so badly want this whole ordeal with cancer to be over.. but yet I know that it never will be..

Well, I have finally decided that it's about time to shed some of the weight that I picked up in the time that I was on chemo. In looking at different diets that were available, I did happen to find one where I didn't have to do any counting or tracking, which works perfect for me, since my brain isn't always where it should be when I get hungry. I've been given a list of what I can and can't eat and told that most of those items I can have as much as I want as long as I am not eating until I get stuffed. To this point, after a few days, I must say that it's a pain in the butt because I lose many of the foods that I really like, but I guess that those were the foods that got me to this point anyway right? :) At least I have some support with the diet so that I am not doing it all alone. Jen said that she wanted to lose the baby weight from when she was pregnant, so hopefully all goes well for both of us and we don't kill each other before we get through the diet. :)

So I have officially passed the two year point from when my treatments started (actually, that would have been back on Labor Day, but I have been kinda preoccupied with life). It feels good to still be around to enjoy things like my kids, family, and friends. One of the few memories that I have of that Labor Day weekend was sitting in the hospital with Jen, and my mom, just waiting to get my first treatment. It was then that I realized the strength my mom had. It was that same holiday many years ago that my brother passed on, and here mom is, sitting next to me trying to keep *me* strong. A time where she could have just been crying her eyes out, worried that she was about to lose her only remaining child, but she didn't. I have no idea where she came up with the strength to live through that moment. Personally, if either one of my kids was taken out of my life, for whatever reason, I am not sure that I would be able to survive.

 

On another note, work is going really well. We just went to our new training schedule, which I had been watiing for over the last few weeks, and I must say that I really enjoy the structure that we have put in place. It makes scheduling my day much easier, keeps me busy pretty much throughout the day, and allows me to do more of what I enjoy. So with that, I will end this chapter of my blog, but I should be back to make regular updates really soon. Since everything seems to be calming down at home, I may have some time on my hands. :)

Well.. It's been close to a year.. Much has happened since I last posted here. A few trips to the oncologist for checkups, a near nervous breakdown, and the birth of my little baby boy, Ryan Matthew. So I suppose that we can now say that things have come full circle for me. I have gone from a month away from death to bringing in a new life. Now I suppose that it's my duty to at least try to work on my general health. Not like I didn't need to do this in the first place for Becky or anything, right? :)

 

I have to say that it's been an interesting trip, but now it's coming up on two full years of being in remission. Unfortunately, at my last checkup, a few weeks ago, my oncologist told me that she would be leaving the VA to go into private practice. I totally agree with her reasoning in doing this, but I have to say that she will be sorely missed. For all intent and purposes, I owe that woman my life. Fortunately, she did say that she will keep in touch with me and some of the other patients that she had built relationships with.. I'm sure that she didn't come to the decision to leave the VA lightly.

 

In other "me" news, I received a promotion at work about a month ago. I am now the "training coordinator" for all of the product offerings for the company. Now I run different training sessions for our clients. It's really been a really big change of pace for me, but it seems to be the status quo with this company. I have been involved in 4 position changes involving 3 different positions in a little over a year. At least it keeps things interesting, right?

 

Hopefully I can get back into blogging and just talking about things that are on my mind more regularly, and of course, there will be pictures to come of my little boy. :)

..so I need to get a few things caught up.. Work is going to kill me.. Maybe not right now, but in the near future. It's just been crazy busy. I've neglected just about everything else around me in order to keep up with it. At least I was able to take some time off in order to go get my every 3 month pokings.. One in the hand, one in the arm, and about an hour laying in a metal tube, unable to move anywhere. That's sure MY idea of breaking away from work! :)

 

It was nice to get the testing over with.. I was pretty much a mess by the time that I got to see my doctor.. I don't know what it is, but I am still psyching myself out before I get to see her. This time it was only for a few hours (last time was at LEAST a week if not more), so it was a bit more bearable. It was nice to hear that I am still in remission, and the doc even said that my blood counts are the best that she has seen them since she met me. The one thing that I DID want to get taken care of and talk about with her was the steroid weight that I have put on. Basically she didn't want to hear it from me, since she's a bit overweight herself, and to be honest, my weight is in places where it's not really easy to see unless I am unclothed (most of it is around my waist, belly, and backside).

Well.. I guess that this weekend being a bit longer can be a good or a bad thing depending on how you look at it. I have some extra time to get my school work caught up, since there's an extra day that I didn't have to work in there, but on the other side, work is going to get backed up. It seems that while it was a day off for the company that I work for, other companies decide not to honor veterans by making their employees continue to work. There's something rather spiteful about that if I do say so myself (as a Vet, of course). It's funny.. Even our HR guy, who is pretty much a peace loving tree hugger, makes sure that we have Vet's day off to honor those who fought for our country. I have to say that even though he's a tree hugging hippy, he's a hell of a nice guy..

 

So there are only a few more days left before I make the every 3 month journey down to LA for my poking and prodding. I am still not as nervous as I was last time, so I guess that would be considered a good thing, right? I'm really not looking forward to the trip more because of the fact that I will just end up getting swamped at work than anything else. Monday is going to be hell as well.. I decided yesterday that even though it was a day off that I would roll in and catch up on a few things that needed to be taken care of.. Mainly because if I didn't, our production schedule would just get way too out of hand. While I was there, one client decided to call over and over again and leave messages demanding a call back. God, you have to love demanding people, don't ya? Needless to say, her messages were directed at the nearest wall.

 

Becky's birthday is coming up really soon.. It's so hard for me to get my brain around the fact that she is going to be 6 years old.. Time goes by so fast. We decided to take her to Chuck-e-cheese's for her birthday party with us (her mom is throwing her one this weekend where they live). That should be good times. I just wish that she had a few more friends down here than she does.. I think that I am going to need to make some play dates for her with some people that I work with. A few of them have kids B's age, so I think that would do her some good. Oh.. and before I forget AGAIN, to add pics of 2 weeks ago, here's what B looked like when she was a flower girl. Enjoy the pic! :)

 

Ok.. So I guess that I told a little white one a few days ago when I said that I was ok with my tests.. I just got a call from my doctor's office, reminding me of my appointment next week. Up until then, I was completely cool about the whole thing. Now, maybe not so much. I have to say that over the course of the last few days, my level of nervousness has slowly been sneaking up on me.. I'm still not as bad as I was for the first appointment but its fair to say that I would REALLY like to get these tests over with. Oh well.. back to work with me.

It sure does have a funny way of sneaking by you then smacking you straight in the face.. For whatever reason, it feels like yesterday since I had my last test, yet, in another week and some I have to go all over again. I have to say though, that I feel much better about this test than my last one. I'm still tired all the damn time, but I think that I can attribute part of that to being short in the lung department. Really, when it comes down to it, my energy level has been really good, all things considered. I haven't needed to take a "bad day" off for some time. In fact, I believe that my last one like that happened before my last test. *cheers* So, ya.. I am feeling pretty good about this next test that I get to take. Now I just need to plan how I am going to go. Typically I go the night before, get a hotel room, then go to my appointment first thing in the morning. Not sure that I really care to do that this time, but I have some time to think about it..

 

So I have come to the conclusion that Halloween and Monday should NEVER be allowed to fall on the same day. I was SO tempted to call in today simply because of the way that the days fell.. nothing good comes of this pairing of days. I don't think that we will have that many people coming to our door at the apartment. Mainly because most of the people there are leaving as their leases expire. Our complex was bought out by another company and this new company has been raising rent hand over fist. They have also decided that they were no longer going to accept Section 8 housing, so anyone that is on that is looking for a new place, and many people juts don't really care to be there anymore since they are charging so much in rent. Chances are good that we will be leaving once our new lease expires around January. The last time that we signed, they jumped up $100 on us.. No telling how much more they will go with the next one. Personally, I think that they are going to end up pricing themselves right out of business, but what do I know right? lol!

 

I did get my pictures back from last Monday's RAW taping.. I have to say that I am disappointed with most of the pictures, but I DID manage to get one REALLY good one of Rey Mysterio. There was a point in the show where he did a run in, and that run in went RIGHT by us. So as he ran by, I grabbed the camera and snapped.. I had NO idea what I took a picture of since I had no time to aim or anything, but I must say that the picture came out quite well, all things considered.. I'll have to put that up the next time that I post something..

..I actually had a life outside of work. These days that just doesn't seem so.. So I finally decided to take some time for myself and take a day off of work to hang out with an old friend. We're actually catching a WWE Raw taping up in Fresno at the Save Mart center. Really nice venue and I'm kinda excited to go because it's the first one that I have ever been to, plus its a live event. Yes, I know that it's all fake, but just watching the stunts that these guys pull off are simply amazing. Aside from work, there really isn't all that much to talk about.. My energy level has been horrid, but I've been feeling well.. I guess that I would have to attribute that to just being so busy. I'll find out in a few weeks when I go to my checkup.

In typical me fashion, I had one of those weekend where unless I was somewhere that I was expected to sit down, I wasn't able to. Fortunately, I did have Friday night to myself, since my parents were keeping Becky with them for the evening (I have to let her stay there every now and again so someone can spoil her. :) ). So Saturday dad brought Becky down to my place and we ended up playing for a little bit, then I had to get to my other responsibilities.. cooking for the week. I decided that I was going to make some BBQ beef for sandwiches and some Portugese chicken.. 6 hours later, it was all done, and I was ready to fall over. It was nice having Becky there while I was cooking.. She enjoys helping me out in the kitchen, and I enjoy spending the time with her and teaching her something that she can use later on too!

 

Sunday came around and it felt like stuff just went by WAY too fast. I couldn't believe that it was time for my little angel to go home already. That is the one thing that I really dislike about Becky staying with my parents.. It seriously cuts into my time with her.. But it is something that I realize that I must do.. Afterall, she is their only granddaughter. So B and I played a bit, then went back to my parents' place where her mom comes to pick her up.. Shortly after her leaving, I had to run to one of my friends' place for a baby shower. They just had little Greg a few weeks ago, but no one ever really managed to get around to throwing Kim a shower for the baby.. I figured that on the way there I would stop and surprise my friend Kenny, since we haven't seen each other since before he went to Stanford for chemo/stem cell transplant.

 

I get to Kenny's knock on the door, and I can see him sitting there through the window. After all this time, it really was a good thing to see him. We talked quite a bit about how he was doing and what he had to go through while he was at Stanford, and even a bit about his aftercare. He mentioned that he has to go every 3 months for a bone marrow biopsy. All I could do was profusely appologize to him because I know just how much those things hurt. I went through one and told them that if they ever had to do that to me again that I would not allow them to do it without knocking me out first. It has to be the single most excruciating pain that I have ever experienced.. and he has to do it 4 times a year. :( After a bit, Kim told him to show me the pictures of what he went through, and I must say that I wouldn't wish what I went through on most people.. I wouldn't wish what Kenny went through on even the most hated person on the planet. I have a new respect for Kenny now.. Just knowing everything that he had to face.. Knowing that I very well could have been in the same boat that he was in. I guess that I'm very fortunate that way.

 

So I left Kenny's and went out to Kim and Kevin's place for the baby shower. It was supposed to be a surprise, but I knew that I was going to be late getting there.. Fortunately my timing wasn't so bad that I blew the surprise.. They had already gotten there and gotten that part out of the way. So we had a few drinks, some dinner, and I went along my merry way (I had already given them a baby present a few weeks before since I didn't think that they were even going to have a shower :) ).

 

So ya.. It was a busy weekend.. But I cannot say that it was particularly bad. I got things done that I wanted to get done. Got to see people that I wanted to see, and got to do things that I wanted to do.. Even though, as usual, I'm without my little girl after its all over, I cannot complain about the weekend.

When I think about it, I've been a really bad friend lately. lol! A close buddy of mine, Kenny, was diagnosed with Hodgkin's practically the same time as I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.. Through our treatment we talked quite a bit, however, we really didn't get much of a chance to see each other.. We were both pretty weak. Kenny continued to work as much as he possibly could while I sat around the house getting fatter. :) Anyway.. I was really hopeful that both of us would recover at the same time..

 

That's pretty much where life stepped in and said, "nuh-uh." We both did go into remission at the same point in time, but Kenny had a relapse. I don't know if it was because he didn't get as strong of a treatment as I did, or if it was just meant to be that way, but I had to sit idly by and watch my friend go through another round of chemo, this time with stem cell transplants and everything. Actually, that's where it really got bad, because I couldn't even see my friend anymore. They had carted him off to Stanford Medical Center for this phase of his treatment which was quite a ways away.

 

This was where things got really bad, because after he left, I really lost touch with him.. I didn't really know of any way to get a hold of him while he was away, and I hadn't talked to anyone else in his family for years.. Months went by, and the thoughts of my friend grew stronger and stronger. I started calling his house in the hope that someone was getting messages and getting them to him. More time went by, and I heard nothing. I started to panic.. Eventually, I found the phone number to his parents' house and managed to get a hold of his mom. She reassured me that everything was alright with Kenny and that he was actually improving. The cancer had gone back into remission and he was going to be coming home soon. I nearly cried with relief, then she gave me a way that I could actually get a hold of him, so I called and we chatted for about as long as Kenny could stand it without telling me that he wanted to go back to sleep. I totally understood, remembering what it was like as I went through treatment, and even after it was all over.. There's just something about it that drains you for so long. To this day, I still run into days where I cannot quite function right.

 

So we fast forward to today.. Kenny is doing much better, from my understanding, but this is where I kinda become a bad friend. I have lost touch with him again. I need to be better about that.. The whole time that we were battling cancer, we were totally behind each other. Even Kenny's wife, who at one point in time hated me with a passion, actually told me that she was pulling for me as well as her husband and hoped that we would both have a speedy recovery.. To think about it sometimes makes me get all teary.. To be honest, I don't think that I was always the greatest person to Kim, and for her to get behind me like that.. well.. it meant something.

 

I guess that I just need to promise myself that tomorrow, I will do the things that I know that I need to do and call him. I just hope that he can forgive me for being so distant for the last few months.. I'm sure that he will, and I probably won't even need to ask, but still.. it just doesn't seem right what I have done..

 

Now to end with something positive and happy, as I try to end each day.. Work, while busy, stressful, and sometimes a complete and total grind of CYA (cover your a$$), was actually quite rewarding to me today, and it reminded me just how lucky that I am to have something in front of me that I enjoy so much.. Maybe it's a little positive karma kicking in.. I think that I was due. :)

Ok, ok.. So it's been nearly a week since I have updated last.. Been busy, what can I say? lol!

 

Last weekend was probably one of the more forgettable ones for me. Have you ever been trapped somewhere, alone, in someone else's home, not feeling like you should really raid their refrigerator or anything like that, but were there for hours on end? That was basically how my Saturday was. From 10 to about 4 that's what was going on. I was to the point where I REALLY wanted to pull my hair out.. Not a good time.. Almost makes me wish that I hadn't dropped my last school class.. It's too bad that I missed the first part of the class and just couldn't catch up..

 

So.. I did have a lot of time to think while I was getting a case of cabin fever. Why are people so stressed out these days? Why is there such a HUGE weight put on obtaining and keeping things? I mean, I understand how certain things can be important to a person, like I have my computer junkie habit.. But people just get SO stressed out over obtaining everything that they can.. I just don't get it. Give me my roof, some food, a way to support my family, and I am happy. If I can make it a little nicer, sure, I'll do it, but if it's not within my means at the time, then it's just not meant to be.. Maybe I have a lack of ambition.. who the heck knows.. lol!

Every so often, I find myself so wound up in things.. I know better than to let this happen and I know that there are more important things than what I am letting myself get wound up over.. This.. this is one of those times. I find that when I get into times like this, the best thing for me to do is to just let go.. To remember what it was like when each day was a gift, and treat the days like they are still that way.. Because to be honest, each day truly is a gift to me anymore.. I should be gone right now, and if this kind of thing had happened to me a few years back, I would have never made it. So.. enjoy today like there will be no tomorrow.. because there may not be..

 

Ok.. So I'm sounding like a walking cliche here.. So be it.. Hopefully I can view today as a friendly reminder of what really counts to me and just take things from there.

So I have FINALLY gotten around to putting up pics of my trip to Wisconsin that happened like.. 4 months ago. It was certainly an adventure.. We got there and spent a few days with my Godmother Vicki.. went to a little amusement park called Little Amerika. From there we went to Wisconsin Dells for nearly a week. Never ran outta things to do there and for ALL of us only $300 was spent on the attractions. Definately a good place to vacation on the cheap. After that, we spent a few days with my grandparents and aunt and uncle (their houses are on the same LARGE piece of land). All in all it was a decent time, although, I would have much rather been there with 3 of us instead of 5 (vacations with parental units should be avoided at all costs).

Wow.. There are actually people reading this that I don't know.. That's kinda flattering in a way.. Just the thought that complete and total strangers are interested in my recovery is fascinating to me. Anyway, if you're out there and pulling for me, and I don't know you.. Thanks a million!

 

So I've gotten over my first cold since I went into remission and it was really much ado about nothing.. I just constantly worry about it getting into my lungs since I haven't really tested my ability to clear that stuff out since I went into remission.. The doctors have already told me that my life will never get back to the way that it used to be. I will never be quite as active as I once was, simply because I don't have the capacity to do it.. That's a little disheartening, but I guess that things could be worse.. I could be dead.. So 1/3 of my lung capacity isn't really too much to give in the interest of staying alive, right?

 

School is absolutely kicking my butt lately.. I haven't had the time or the energy to do much of anything, and it's really showing in my grade.. I just hope that I can get out of this funk and finish the class with something other than a failing grade, since the only person that I can really blame for that is myself.. I mean, it doesn't really help much that I cannot stand the topic matter of the class and the book is a poorly written piece of garbage that cost $52.. You think for that much they could at LEAST run a spell/grammer checker over it.

 

Work is proving to be a real challenge lately too.. We've rolled out our new software offering for the hardware that we've been selling, and it's just driven the market mad. I'm sitting on top of 40 orders waiting to go out, and unfortunately, many of them have been watiing almost a month. People are really starting to get antsy over all of this.. Of course, I cannot say as I blame them, but I wish that sometimes they would show a little more patience.. There are so many more important things in the world..

 

I'm seriously looking forward to the weekend.. Going to be spending some time in Fresno with family, and my daughter.. We didn't get to see each other last weekend, so this will be catch up time for me. There are days where I just have such a hard time being without my little munchkin.. I still go back in time to remember the days when she could fit into my arms, and now I can barely pick her up in one arm without having to bring in the other for help because she's gotten so heavy.

 

I think that I am going to have to devote the remainder of my week to school just so I don't have to worry so much about what goes on over the weekend. Last school week, I really didn't contribute to my team paper as I should have, and I feel horrid about it. I basically told my team that if anyone needed a week off, I'd take their portion of the work as well as my own.. I owe them at least that much.

 

Ok.. Lunchtime is getting close to over, so I need to get this wrapped up.. To those of you that I don't really know but visit me, please make yourself known. If you're another survivor, or someone who's fighting the battle that I have been through, let me put you in my prayers. Cancer was one of the toughest fights that I have ever been through, but after getting through it, I find it to be a blessing in disguise in many ways.

Wow.. I haven't felt this rotten in a very long time.. I'm not sure if it's the medicine that I am taking to help with my symptoms, or the symptoms themselves that are making me feel so rotten, but the last time that I felt like this was my last chemo treatment. I really just want to lay down and sleep the days away until I get to feeling normal again. Unfortunately, I have responsibilities that keep me from doing that kinda stuff. At least the responsibilities are pleasant. Can't think of anything that I would rather do, other than sleeping at this point, than playing with my daughter. Becky is just really a joy to be around for me. I honestly think that if it weren't for her, I would not have made it through the last year with my treatments and recovery. She actually gave me a reason to fight for my life. I hope that some day she understands just how much of a role that she played in all of this.

Well.. been a great day, I would have to say. Just found out that our new software product is going to release starting tomorrow morning, but it can be viewed now at www.vreo.com. I was told that, at least for the time being (until management can figure out just how to take care of things), I will be the sole support for the software as well as the hardware offerings that we have out there. I have to say that I am certainly excited about the new responsibility. To be honest, I thought, at least at first, that this would be what I would be doing.. A few days ago, some light was shed that told me that I was going to really be hardware only. Somehow, I figure this will all get sorted out and taken care of.

 

So school is going to be starting tomorrow. Instead of writing a big huge biography about myself, I figure that I will point my classmates at my blog, since when it really comes down to it, as long as I am keeping up on things, my blog is.. well.. me. I haven't really talked a lot about the things that I originally set this up for (my thoughts on the way my recovery is going), but I think that part of that is due to the fact that I really want to get my remission behind me and just kinda forget about this episode of my life.. It was traumatic in so many different ways, but at the same time such a blessing (provided I can get past the trauma). Because of this all happening, I see things in a much different light. I have a solid understanding of what is important to me and what isn't. I just wish that everyone could see the same things that I see, but, I guess that the saying is true.. the one about walking a mile in another man's shoes.. For now, I think that it's time to grab me a bite to eat and start playing some World of Warcraft.. I'm feeling like it's time to unwind before I get myself to bed.